Sliding Doors Ramblings

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, specifically the last 2-3 years.  It's interesting how you can look back on your life and realize that the most difficult trials and lowest points where you never thought you would wake up have led you to the place you are now.

I look back at myself from 3 years ago.  It's safe to say that I'm a different person than who I was 3 years ago....2 years ago....even 1 year ago.  I am humbled when I think of all of the opportunities I would have missed out on had I made different choices.  My life is finally shaping up in a way that I want it to, not because it's the way someone else wants it, but it's the way I want it.  I don't have a million people in my life, but those who are still around love me fiercely and without question.

Had I continued on the path I was on 3 years ago, I would be unhappily married and trying to mold my life to fit someone else's.  I would be half living, trying not to make waves, going along with someone else's plan because my plan was never that important.  I would be listening to really really terrible music, and would have never lived more than 180 miles from my hometown.  I would probably be working as an administrative assistant.  I probably would have no relationship with my niece, not to mention the rest of my family.  I would be struggling exponentially with how to settle into a life of unhappiness.  I would be reminded daily of my insecurities and would be starving for love and someone who accepted me the way that I am.  I would probably be more financially secure, but it wouldn't be from my doing and I would constantly be reminded of that.

As it turns out, I am happily unmarried and trying to mold my life to my exact specifications. I still sometimes feel like I'm half living, but it's of my own doing.  I can create as many waves as I want to, because dammit, I will have a pink bathroom.  My plan, although flexible to accommodate for any life changes, is the backbone of what gets me up in the morning and gives me something to work hard towards.  As I sit here listening to a few new bands my friend Carlo sent me to try out, I revel in the fact that I am allowed to talk to an old (male) friend and no longer have to justify my musical tastes or the fact that I have male friends.  I can listen to the new Mumford and Sons or Langhorne Slim songs that Carlo sent me and love the feeling of the music and the strength of the lyrics.  I revel in the fact that although it was one of the lowest points in my life, I freaking lived in Los Angeles for just under a year.  How cool and amazing is that?  I lived on Wilshire freaking Boulevard near the park that Simon and Garfunkel wrote a song about.  I know the places in LA Matt Logelin talks about in his book "Two Kisses For Maddy" and I can think that Matt Logelin is a pretty freaking cool guy.  I have a wonderful relationship with my sister, brother-in-law and niece.  My niece's face lights up every time she sees me and says "Aunt Di is here!"  I can call my mom on a random Monday and not have to justify it to anyone.  I have nothing but opportunities ahead of me and don't have to settle into anyone's mold...except my own.  I am the CEO and I either create or destroy any happiness that lies ahead.   I've had the chance to be loved by a wonderful man who has taught me what the word "unconditional" means and who has never once tried to change me - crazy insecurities, random quirks and all.  I have just barely enough cash to live on, but I work my ass off to make it work.

Ahead of me lies ivy league.  Three years ago, all I could see was community college.  I've never been as grateful to see ivy laced buildings as I am now.  

I think sometimes I take for granted the fact that there is a lot to look forward in this life.  No, I'm not where I want to be right now, but I also dodged a bullet that would have sentenced me to a stable but horrible life.  Shouldn't that be enough for me to look forward to each day with the optimism and happiness it deserves?